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November 9th, 2005

05:44 pm

So yeah, life's weird. I've been seeing quite a few people out of the blue lately. Whether they have been coming into my work or me just seeing them out of the blue. Like Tristan called me not too long ago which was really out of nowhere considering I haven't talked to him in almost a year.. Then I ran into Kerrik, which was wonderful. It was really nice to see you and I plan on hanging out with you very soon, that is, if you want to... And just a bunch of people that come into my work. Plus Mike has been coming in a lot lately. Which has been fun. It's been nice to see him so often, although I probably shouldn't because of the whole girlfriend thing. But if we are just going to be friend I guess I have to get used to the whole thing... I just hate it because it's not like we are friends. But whatever. I can't do anything about it. I'd rather be friends then nothing. God, being alone sucks.

Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated

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October 13th, 2005

12:19 am
So goth you're dead!
You are every goth-kids dream!

Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are every goth-kids dream!

Dominant Personality: Disappointment

Good Traits: You know what rejection feels
like, and are truthful with people.

Bad Traits: You're very pessimistic. It
seems like everything's gone wrong with your
life, so you've given up.

People see you as: Depressed, lonely, and
unenthusiastic. People walk right by you and
occassionally walk all over you. You let
yourself get pushed around and always blame

You're Most Like: Regret. You think that
everything is going to turn out all wrong. You
have to take matters into your own hands.
Unlike regret, you don't constantly dwell on
the past, but dread the future.

You Need More: Calm. Don't associate with
promise-breakers, and a large group of people.
Seek out people who understand where you're
coming from.

What's your dominant trait? (10 unique results)
brought to you by Quizilla

Your death will be suicide....Most likely because
people won't except you or love you or because
you hate life itself...You have constent
thoughts of suicide daily....and you plan when
you will. Someday it will happen....You most
likely die alone in your house...with nothing
but dark music playing. You'll probably write a
sucide note and die right by your bed side....

How Will You Die And Why? .:Beautiful Dark Pics:.
brought to you by Quizilla

Girl Name: Czarina Batty

Guy Name:Father Vlad

*You have a heart
of solid coal*

You wish that you could
change your ways, even though you have done
nearly everything right. You try to hard to be
accepted by others.

What Is Your Goth Name?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your Colour is Black..
You are a lonley person who seems to be broken
inside you have either alot or few friends but
you sometimes keep your feeling locked up
making yourself crumble....

What Is Your Colour???? Sorry... Only girl pics!
brought to you by Quizilla

holding hands
hand holding - you like to be in constant physical
contact with your special someone but you don't
want to take things too quickly.

What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

goddess of the dark
You are the Goddess of darkness:You just want to
always be alone and you don't really have that
many fiends but when you get mad you want to
make sure everybody feels your wrath!

What type of goddess are you???????WITH BEAUTIFUL(AND I MEAN BEAUTIFUL) PICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
brought to you by Quizilla

Guys, I was really bored and I have no life.... plus it's almost 1 am, so there really isn't anything else to do....

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October 9th, 2005

01:41 pm
Things just feel so very strange anymore. I feel like I'm not even the same person that I was a few weeks ago. I can't stand to look at him anymore and he didn't even do anything to make me feel this way. It's like my feelings just changed overnight and I'm not like that. When I feel something for someone it usually doesn't just go away. I don't even really want to be with him anymore but how am I supposed to tell him that. I don't want to break his heart, ever since I have had mine broken I never want to do that to anyone. But maybe he won't care that much. Maybe things would be better if we were no longer together.. But I think I'm just wishing for that. What if I do break up with him and I change my mind, which I have done plenty of times before. God, I hate this. I hate this feeling. I don't want to have to deal with it, but I can't just ignore him. I can't just erase him from my mind and ignore his phone calls. What the fuck am I going to do? What the fuck am I going to say? Hey, I don't think I like you anymore.... this is over. No, I couldn't.... I don't want to hurt him......
Current Mood: confusedconfused

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August 30th, 2005

03:28 am - My life is nothing without you...
I honestly feel like a part of myself is missing, and has been for the past few days. I have no life without him. I need him around. Just to be here with me because when he is I feel like nothing can hurt me. I've been so anxious. Just not myself. I'm not usually this bad, I don't usually need to depend on others so much. But it's like I've changed. And I don't think that I like it. I just hate fucking feeling this way, like I have no control. But there's nothing I can do. He'll be home soon, I just have to think about it that way. Thank god he doesn't read this.... Onto other things.

Got the new Taproot cd. It's alright. I like gift a lot more. It just doesn't really sound like them. I don't know, maybe I'm crazy.

I don't talk to anyone from high school anymore other then like a total of 3 people. I miss my friends. But I feel like if I just called them up from out of nowhere it would be strange, but I guess that would make them not really my friends anymore. I hate that, when people just disappear. And I hate myself for disappearing. But how do you get back in touch with people without it getting weird? Just call them up and say hey how are you doing, I haven't talked to you for like a year but you want to hang out.... No. I wouldn't feel right. I feel like I've gotten a lot more shy since I've been out of school too. Which I really dislike. I liked being outgoing, able to talk to anyone. Fuck. Oh well, what the fuck can you do... Things change, people change, just have to learn to deal with it.

Work sucked today. I put my work clothes in the dryer last night before I went to bed to wake up and find that they are still damp as shit... What do I do? So I said fuck it, put on a tank top, grabbed my wet shirt and was off to work. Great way to start out the day. Then I got stuck in traffic for ten fucking minutes because of fucking construction. It just was not a good day today. Plus I need a fucking raise because I'm barely making it by. Too much fucking shit to pay, I guess I need to start looking for a new job. Or a second job or something. I live right next to American Tee Shirt Ltd so I think I might apply there or something. I could walk there in like two minutes so it would be worth it. No wasting of gas. But I don't know. I don't think I could handle two jobs though. We'll see I suppose.

My mom has court in two days. I'm pretty sure that she is just going to get house arrest. Which is awesome. She's really straightening her life out and I couldnt' be more happy or proud of her. She's really doing what none of us thought she ever could. Now she just has to divorce John.... The kiddies go back to school tomorrow. Hah! Sometimes I wish I was going back to school but then I think about it... I did my fucking time in that shithole and I'm glad to be out. Although I do miss the hangout and social gatherings... But life goes on.

I still don't know why I write in this, no one reads it anyway....
Current Mood: anxiousanxious

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August 17th, 2005

07:37 am
This journal used to mean a lot to me but for some reason now it feels like it's pointless. Like nothing I write in here will ever change what is really going on in my life. People can be completely different over a computer screen because no one would ever know the difference, no one really cares to. Sitting in front of a computer writing all of your sad fucking thoughts is never going to get you anywhere. I don't know, I'm just in a really bad spot right now in my life. I hate my job, I do the same fucking things everyday and nothing ever changes. Chuck is leaving in a week and I have no idea what I'm going to do when he leaves. My mom is having all kinds of troubles, she's clean and everything, but she might have to go to jail if her lawyer doesn't figure some shit out, and if she's gone we are all fucked. I just fucking hate my life right now, nothing ever goes right even if things seem to be going in the right direction. If shit goes down then I'm going to have no one to turn to, especially if Chuck is in New York, but I can't tell him that because it's way too good of a thing that he's got going on there. I just don't know what to do anymore, things felt like they were going so well for a little bit there. Not to mention that John (the crazy ex husband) now knows where we are and he told my mom that one day he is going to just show up here, and he had his friends call my mom and threaten to hurt us kids. It's just so fucked up. And scary. I just want things to be normal just once. To feel like we don't have to be looking over our shoulders anymore. To feel like we can be a family again. This is the first time in a long time that my mom isn't fucked up from alcohol or drugs and I want to be able to enjoy that. We all do. Plus my sister is going to be having Lily (my soon to be niece) in about 2 and a half weeks. So I have that to look forward to. Things just need to change, that's all. And I'm more then ready for them to. I just want to be normal for the first time in my life.

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July 28th, 2005

03:02 pm
Well, it's been a really long time. I've been working my ass off, hanging out with Chuck, and that's really about it. I'm moving on Monday to Plumsteadville. Me, my mom, Sara, Piglet, and Matt. My mom's leaving her husband, which is the best thing for all of us. A chance to start over. The house is fucking beautiful. It was built in 1820. We have a pond and a barn and everything. It's crazy. But yeah. I don't really know what else to say. I will let everyone know the number when I get it and yeah, thats about it....

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June 25th, 2005

03:32 pm

Well, it's been awhile since I updated so I guess I might as well say something. It was my birthday on Thursday, I turned 19. Nothing special. We ate a big turkey dinner and I had a few people over. It was enjoyable. All and all it was an alright birthday. I got a bunch of shit and a good amount of money which will really help me out. But yeah. Other then that I had to work today until 11 which sucked. Then I had to meet my grandma for lunch and she gave me money to go buy a bathing suit. I'm going to Hershey Park tomorrow with Julie and Nikki which should be a good time. I just hope that I don't get really sunburned, then I'll be fucking pissed. Work would not be fun with sunburn.... so yeah. That's about it. I'm going to go call Chuck and see what he is doing.... maybe go watch a movie. Later all...
Current Mood: blahblah

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June 15th, 2005

03:06 pm - why cant i be with you...
Hm, lets see whats been going on in my life. I got a new car on Friday because mine took a total shit on me. I got a 2003 Hyundai Accent, it's 4 door, it's charcoal, it's cute. Whatever, it runs. I went to the msi show on Thurday, Tina and Mikey got me the ticket for my birthday. It was at croc rock. It was fucking crowded. I got the shit kicked out of me. It was fucking awesome. I loved it. I want to have Jimmy Urine's baby... Other then that I've been hanging out with Caitlin and Chuck a lot lately which is fun. Me and Chuck have been watching a lot of movies. We watched I heart huckabees the other night which was really strange yet very interesting.. Been working a hell of a lot. I think that I'm going to have to start working 6 days a week soon because we need people. And that fucking sucks ass. I dont want to. :( On the way home today I stopped and got a Slurpee but it doesn't taste very good at all. Which is dissappointing. Wow, I'm just rambling now. I must go shower. Until next time...

It's my birthday in a week and a day... :)
Current Mood: chipperchipper

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June 4th, 2005

06:35 pm - the more i hate you, the more i hate myself...
so yeah i guess i can update now. lets see. whats been going on. my mom is now out of rehab and actually clean. which is good. i think she might actually be leaving john which is so fucking awesome. all they have been doing is fighting. my car broke down on me so now im searching for a new one with the invisible money that i have. i dont know what the fuck im going to do about that. im hanging out with chuck tonight, i think we are just going to his house to watch a movie or soemthing. another thing that i have no idea about. i figured out that i need to start hanging out with people again. im such a fucking loser anymore. i feel like all i do is sit around on my fucking ass and get fat. my birthday is in 19 days. kerrik yours is in 21. :) i dont know. shit is so fucking weird anymore. i dont like it.

fuck it.

brandon lee is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator
</center YAY!

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June 1st, 2005

02:50 pm
well, work sucked today. it was busy as shit. plus tina didnt come in until 10. :( but whatever. im fucking sore as shit from painting my room and everything yesterday. i hate painting. hopefully i will never have to do it again. other then that nothing is going on in my life because i am a loser. i went to see my mom on monday which went really well. its weird how when someone is a drug addict when you even look at them you want to vomit then when they are clean you can actually treat them like human beings again. i dont know, i hated her for a long time but now i feel like i am changing. like i can actually talk to her. like i can actually love her. its really weird for me considering that i have never felt that way towards my mom my whole life. i feel like i actually might be finally growing up. things are really weird for me right now. and i dont know exactly what is going on. oh well.

kerrik, try not to run your car into anyones kitchen or anything. haha.
Current Mood: deviousdevious

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